Please be kind, rewind.

When we were moving our stuff back into the apt. the other day, Katie noticed my awesome collection of VHS tapes. Some of you may be too young to remember, but before HD-DVD and Blu-Ray had a big battle to see who would be the format of the future, VHS and Betamax dueled for that title. I can still remember the first VCR we had, it was about the size of a Volkswagon and had a "remote" control. A remote that plugged into the front of the machine, then had a 12 foot long cord that ran to the remote and allowed you to pause a movie or change a channel from a relaxing position on the couch. It was at that point we no longer needed a nerf football to throw at the back of Melissa and Steve's head to tell them to turn the knob on the TV and change the channel.

Getting back to things though, I've been trying to enlighten Katie on the cinematic classics through my DVD collection. For some reason, she doesn't find this clip from "The Outlaw Josey Wales" to be classic.

How Clint Eastwood didn't win an Oscar for that I'll never know. Serious, not even joking. My #1 favorite western of all time.

As most of you are aware we've been in a blizzard warning since early September and today they called off work again, which is mostly ceremonial at NISC. The miracle or bane of technology (depending on how you look at it) allows us to dial into work, log into our phones and for the most part appear to our customers that it's business as usual. But while I had to work, Katie had the day off and after she had cleaned every inch of the apt. by 10:30 am she became bored and wanted to watch a movie. One of the movies I had on VHS was "The Jerk" and she decided it was time to watch it. She enjoyed it, but I don't think she fully apprecitated the comedic genius of Steve Martin.

I really feel for Katie, because someday she's going to be bored and she'll reach for "Jeremiah Johnson" on the DVD rack. For her, it'll be 3 hours that she'll ponder on and realize she'll never get back, but she'll also make the connection someday when I come home with a new deer rifle and say:

"I was looking for a Hawken gun, .50 caliber or better. But I settled for a .30, but damn, it's a genuine Hawken, and you can't go no better."

The Treaty of McKenzie Drive SE

Not as well known as the Treaty of Versailles or the Fourth Treaty of Paris, but notable in this apartment. Those of you with a keen eye will notice in the photo from the previous post that there is a recliner sitting on top of the table where the Risk battle was being held. I was going to meld that into the last post, but felt that there is probably 2 or 3 people out there that were intently watching this battle rage and wanted to give it a proper burial.

Here is the pic again - the table is on the left hand side.

Basically when I got home that day, we were running around like it was a Chinese fire drill and then both of us stopped and looked at the table knowing that we would have to sacrifice the game in order to save the furniture. Katie blurts out right away "You're way ahead of me, you win." Being a nice guy I said we'll roll one dice each and the higher one wins. We both rolled 5's......... I suppose this was a metaphor for real war, are there any real winners in war? And we thought on that awhile.

After I had thought about it long enough I decided that yes, there are winners in war and Katie conceded victory. I AM THE WINNER!!!!! Well, maybe not, but at any rate I decided to erect a monument in the kitchen so that future renters can someday come and see what happened here in the winter of 2009....... Please click on the image below to get a full view of the plaque.

How to disassemble and apt. in 30 minutes without even trying

So I'm driving to work Wednesday morning when brother Brad calls asking what I'm doing. The standard "on my way to work" was my reply and he mentioned that maybe I should rethink that idea. The Missouri river, she was a risin and he was on his way to help some friends sandbag. Yeah, I'd known that the river was up, but in your mind you never think it's going to reach you. The closest I'd ever been to flooding was sometimes in the spring growing up Cutbank Creek would spill its banks, but that was kinda cool to see and it meant that it would bring some Northern Pike down from Canada for us to fish on all summer. I'm still not sure if we caught 40 fish a day or 1 fish 40 times a day, but it was fun.

When I got to work things were definitely amiss, people were standing around, talking on the phone and making moves for the door. At that point I informed my boss that I don't swim well and I better get stuff out of the apartment before I was forced to scuba dive for it.

Katie was still at home when I got there and she was a little surprised when I told her to start throwing clothes into garbage bags. Over the next two hours my phone rang about 157 times wondering if I needed help. As much as I needed help I knew there were people in a lot more danger than we were so I tried to pass on as much of it as I could, but finally my old roommate Nichol called and said they were just down the street moving Kaylan and her friend Brittani out of their condo and wanted to know if we needed help. In about 30 minutes we had all of the furniture up on the counters, computers and TV's moved out and enough clothes to get us through a couple days if need be. So first of all, thanks to Nichol, Steph, Nancy, Brian, Brittani, Dawn and everyone else that helped out. Also thanks to Brad, Nancy, Tyler and Cam for a place to stay that night. Tyler does a really good job of preheating an oven for pizza, but gets off task when there are computer games to be played. No pizza's were burned tho. Here is a pic of the apt.

You'll notice in the picture that Rudy got top billing on top of the fridge. Katie originally left him on his old spot which was about 2 feet off the ground. He doesn't swim well so I moved him higher. Also notice in the lower right corner that we were able to save the playdough. I was a scared for the playdough

Katies brother also came over a little later on when I was getting ready to leave and we made sure that we got the guns out there. If someone had come by they woulda thought we was gettin a posse together to take on the flood. 5 guys standing outside with shotguns and rifles is a pretty cool site. Most of them were scared of the guns though.

The big worry was that an ice jam north of Bismarck near Double Ditch was going to break loose and the river would really rise. Once the Blackhawk helicopters and police started to swarm the Marina Bay area I started to get really nervous. I figured I better go help somewhere so I tried to go to the Civic Center to help make sandbags, but it was a zoo there, so I went over to Mandan to help there instead. As fun as 5 hours of sandbaggin sounds, it's not and I'm still a little sore 3 days later.

Here is a pic of the effort. The one guy circled in the pic didn't help much at all. He liked to stand around a lot.

Things are back to normal now. We decided that we didn't like how the furniture looked on the counters so we moved them back to the floor. Rudy has reclaimed his spot beside the chair and the playdough is still sittin on the kitchen stool.

Floods are not fun so much and I think I'll buy out of the flood plain when I buy a house.

Who can put together a baby swing!? I CAN!!!

The list of things that come packed in a box and say "assembly required" that I've put together over the years is pretty short. A bookshelf, nightstand, think maybe my Remington 870 came like that and a few other odds and ends here and there.

In the past few months though I’ve become quite accustomed to putting together things from a box. The namesake of the blog (the crib) for starters and then last night, Katies co-workers bought us a baby swing. The instructions, or as I like to call them “Manufacturer’s suggestions” have changed over the years. They used to come in text only form and only in English, one page and if you couldn’t figure it out then you had to call an 800 number that was only available from Noon to 3:00 Pacific Time. These new instructions come in 4 languages, the booklet is 17 pages long and has step by step pictures of the entire process. There’s also 3 phones numbers to call 24/7 for support, a website with e-mail and chat links and also free counseling for guys that start crying because they can’t figure out how to put things together.

Another thing I noticed is that the hardware package that holds the bolts, etc. also comes with a handy universal plastic tool to use as a wrench. Throw this away. No self respecting man is going to use a plastic wrench on a bolt. Go directly to your tool kit and get the real mans tools and don’t forget the cordless drill and the drill bits, because even though it’s best to follow directions, it’s more fun to just look at the picture on the box and figure it out for yourself, like a puzzle and they don’t numbers and color code puzzle pieces. The drill will come in handy for that one extra bolt and no bolt holes to put it in – the drill and reinforce method. Duct tape is also good for these purposes.

If you’re going to go off of just the picture on the box, you have to be organized before you even start. Lay out all of your pieces and then close your eye’s. Imagine the swingset done, see the cradle rocking back and forth…….. see the swing……. be the swing. It’s like baseball. You stand at the plate and you have to imagine the pitch and what it’s going to do, have a plan and then hit the ball. Of course in baseball where I was a career .275 average hitting at the plate, I swung and missed more than I hit, which was also a very real possibility with this swingset too.

I’ve always found that I hit better when the game was on the line and that I also work better under pressure so when I take on these projects now I have Katie dress up as a Vietnamese Drill Sergeant and yell at me in foreign languages and threaten me with a bamboo rod. “SWINGSET!!!! YOU FINISH NOW!! No talk, you work”.

It must have worked, because the swing was a swingin in no time at all. I’m not sure what record time is for finishing a Fisher Price 3 in 1 Baby Swing, but since I finished in 19 minutes I’m going to say I’m the world record holder. It’s a good thing the seat has safety straps though, because the seat is facing the ground so it’ll be more of a carnival ride than anything for Little One.

Overweight people probably drive fast because they can't run fast.

We have in the apartment complex, a guy who is a rather large man and who attempts his best Dale Ernhardt Jr. imitation every time he leave the lot. Today as I was leaving the garage I heard a squeal of tires to my right and just had enough time to jump back in through the doorway as a 1997ish Ford Explorer, complete with wheel well rust locked up it's binders and slid past me to the front of the garage next to ours. I fully expected Will Farrell to jump out and try to kidnap me like in "Old School".

But that didn't happen, he just really enjoys sticking the gas pedal though the carburetor of his truck in the 75 yards from his apt. to the garage. Now I'm not the type that goes around making fun of people..... until they do stupid things, then they're fair game. After seeing this idiot corner around the lot on two wheels, I'd say season is now open. That being said, I would like to publicly announce for future reference that getting the 9/16 wrench in the garage..... not an emergency. Getting a torque wrench from the garage..... not an emergency. Getting one's self out of the parking lot at Mach Chicken for the purpose of making a McDonalds run..... NOT an emergency. In fact, there is probably no emergency in his life that requires him to see if he can hit 50mph from one end of the parking lot to the other.

I'm not sure exactly how many people lay claim to that garage, but I'd have to say it's at least two because there's been about four different vehicles that have been in there over the winter. One is a fairly nicely restored 70's Ford pickup, the rusty Explorer, a rusty Ford Festiva and what I like to call the "War Wagon". A 1970's Dodge Power Wagon. It's a beauty. I especially like the two tone paint.

The owner had the uncanny ability to park that right outside his garage before every single snowstorm this winter, so when the snow blew in, it created a 4 foot drift right in front of our garage door. It also took him 7 or 8 really good loud tries in the morning to get it started and the routine was usually the same everyday:

1.) Check exhaust system to make sure it was full of holes and that there was no muffle on it.

2.) Turn the engine over and mash foot to the floor for 10 seconds.

3.) Return engine to idle and wait for engine to die.

4.) Repeat 7 more times.

5.) Drive off loudly.

So, if any of you are wondering if this big blizzard is going to hit this coming week, don't bother tuning into your local TV station. Just give me a call. I'll poke my head out the door and if the War Wagon is sitting in front of the garage, lay in supplies. I don't know how he knows, but like the beavers that build thicker walls on their lodges before a hard winter.......... he knows.

"Illegal Discharge of a Firearm in City Limits"

Thats the charge that will be stuck on me if these geese continually taunt me everyday. The apartment complex is situated directly between the river and a field to the west that makes the airspace directly above us a central flyway....... a very LOW flyway for geese that have probably never seen a decoy spread.

You can tell geese that have been hunted before, they flare at human activity on the ground, but these geese take the direct root over the apartment and don't even look twice at you when you step out of the building and it's a constant stream day and night. I'm afraid that some night I'm going to scare the hell out of Katie hearing all of the honking in my sleep, jump up, throw covers and yell "CUT 'EM!!!"..... like I'm in my goose blind or something.

I bought the baby a pacifier yesterday. I hope he or she likes it.......

Daycare, Gertrude and Strange Brew

The other night I looked over to the corner of the room and noticed the 1 ton gorilla sitting there. So we both agreed that we better get serious about finding daycare. We'd gotten a list of daycare providers in the Bis-Man area and thanks to the magic of Google Maps we were able to narrow down the list before we even made a call. Just type in an address and if it comes back with some area of town thats less than desirable, cross that one off.

We never got to the point that we needed to make any calls on the list though, because it's not what you know, it's who you know. Sister in law, Trish recommended her baby sitter and that would have worked out perfectly, but she wasn't taking any new kids until August. I was thinking the baby should probably be old enough by the time Katie's time off was up that it could care for itself for 8 or 9 hours a day, but she didn't think so. One of my friends at work though, had daycare right now and gave us that lady's number. Turns out she wasn't available until August either, but she did have helpers come in during the summer so we got in whenever we need to this summer. We'll probably start with part time sometime in July and be full time by the end of it.

On the name front, Katie put me in charge of finding a name, we have the boy one figured out but she kept nixing the girl names because they reminded her of some crazy lady she knew. Evidently she knows a lot of crazy people. My last offer of Gertrude was met with little to no interest so we started writing down names again and finally both of us agreed on ____________. I won't give you the name, but I will give you a hint that it starts with a letter of the alphabet.

On the final front of interest, I've been able to start brewing my home brew beer again. It's something I did at the old house, but the apt. as you know is either penguin cold or surface of the sun hot depending on what part of it you're in. Truly a miracle of science considering there's only about 40 square feet in the whole thing.

After months of placing a small digital thermometer around the house in search of a constant 68-76 degree temp, I finally found one in the closet in the living room. The yeast that I use requires that for proper fermentation and carbonating. Tonight or tomorrow I'll be able to bottle the newest creation - a snappy little Honey Lager. A clean lager with a subtle dryness that finishes smooth. It'll call to mind a warm summer afternoon and pair well with a grilled rib eye or a Minnesota Twins game.

p.s. - don't ask what the girl name is. I ain't tellin!

Risk anyone??

My main goal now is to finish off this Risk game sometime before Little One is able to sit at the table in a high chair. I think we may be able to accomplish this. Katie had her worst rolls of the game tonight on the final battle between Quebec and Ontario. I rolled red on the offensive side and she was rolling the white on the defensive. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it's also worth the terrioty of Ontario and domination of the North American continent.

So for all 3 people that are following this blog and the 1 that cares about the Risk game, here is an updated map of how things are shaping up.

The areas circled in green is what Katie is controlling, the rest in blue, thats mine. I ran out of reserve troops to add at the start of my turns so we decided that it's just assumed that I control South America, Australia and Madagascar.

I think the next time we decide to play a board game we're gonna opt for Candyland or Hi-Ho Cherry-o.

"Candyland - the game you don't have to know how to read or even count." Yep, we wouldn't want something like reading and counting holding back our kids.

Princess Buttercup and the DMV

Maybe I'm just old and out of touch, but the other night as I was sitting at the computer writing on the blog, Kaylan, Katies sister calls in a tizzy. "Why won't Katie answer the phone!?!?" "Tell her to call me as soon as she's done talking to Shelly!!" She might have thrown an OMG in there too. I don't remember, she talks really fast and my brain can't process things that fast.

Katie and Kaylan turn 24 next Wednesday and it was time for them to renew their drivers licenses. Kaylan's problem I found out was that the next day they had planned to go down to the DMV to do that and she just didn't have time tonight to do her hair so there was NO way that she was going to be able to do it the next morning.

Ok, I haven't worried about how my hair looked since the mid to late 90's and I'm not a girl, but I would still assume that 12 hours should be enough time to get ones hair ready to take a picture that few people will ever see. Either way, they made plans to do it the following day and I did some research to make sure that her special day came off perfectly. Unfortunately I wasn't able to get that info to her in time.

A quick google search of "How to take a good drivers license photo" returns about 19.2 million results. The one site I viewed gave 11 tips and I especially like tip #11 on the list: "Shut your eyes for a few seconds right before the photo is snapped. This will help keep you from blinking with the flash and being caught with your eyes closed, or worse, half closed in the photo."

This would have been a critical one for her because she pulled the half blink on the photo, so it looked like she got all dressed up for a party, then popped 3 Valium right before getting there. For a point of reference think "Gary Busey arrest photo sans the unkempt hair and loud Hawaiian shirt"

I guess she tried to see if she could do a retake, but Mr. State Employee was having none of it. And see, thats where the problem en lies Kaylan. The DMV is a volume business - get people in, pay your $10, get people out. If you'll notice the line is formed like a cattle chute...... the livestock gets movin the wrong way and then we have mayhem. I'm not calling you and the rest of the people there cattle, but thats how it works. And trust me, the people taking the photos didn't JUST miss that photography job with GQ magazine by 'that much'. Chances are that question 7 on the application was "Can you press a button on a camera" and if they check yes, they make it to round two of the interview process.

The error in your thinking is that you wanted to look perfect on your photo, when in actuality the only people that will ever see it are Bill the Bouncer at the bar, Larry the ticket counter agent at the airport and Habib at the convenience store.

What you should have done is go out on an all night bar hopping trip, rolled out of bed, into the car and to the DMV or, option two would have been to dress up like Bozo the Clown. Then people would laugh at your photo, not because your photo was bad, but because clowns are funny.

Okay, maybe not Pennywise the Clown from "It", but in general they are funny.

Oh yeah, there is a way around this Kaylan. Wait about 3 months, go back in and tell them you lost your drivers license and they'll retake your photo. Might cost you another $10, but can you really put a price on something thats the difference between getting and not getting Bill the Bouncers phone number at the bar?

Hiatus

I know, I've been rather conspicuous by my absence of late. It's been more than a week since my last post I think, but I needed a little break, plus I couldn't think of anything to write about.

Tonight though, seemed like a good night to fire up some David Allen Coe on the iPod and do a little writing. Words always come a little easier when you have the worlds greatest singer/songwriter of all time playing in the background. "Longhaired Redneck", possibly the greatest song of all-time.

I've been slightly stressed of late trying to get my work stuff done. Right now I'm knee deep in what we at NISC call a "software migration". It's where we take existing customer data and blah, blah, blah, blah....... yeah, you don't care and I don't want to tell you about it. But as it stands I will be in the Badger State the week of April 6th and back out there on April 15th. Don't get me wrong, Wisconsin is nice and the people at the Telephone Company are nice, but we're going to be T-minus 30 days to baby time and her belly button just popped out today which in my book mean the turkey's done. Just starting to get nervous is all I'm saying.

I don't know....... maybe I jumped the gun, but I did something rash this last weekend. Knowing how bad Northwest Airlines can be with flights and such I didn't want to risk the possibility of being in Wisconsin when the call came that I needed to take Katie to the hospital. So I traded in the pickup on a new vehicle.

You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?... It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. It's outrun Imperial starships. Not the local bulk cruisers mind you, I'm talking about the big Corellian ships now. She's fast enough for you.

I've always been a pickup man, so I did get the Z71 off-road package with the crew cab shorbox.

Your "Bob Ross Memorial: Whiteboard Pic of the Month"

If you haven't visited in awhile and don't know what this is referring too, click here. For the rest of you, here is the Bob Ross pic o the month. Last month was a landing goose that I entitled "Landing Goose", this month I did a jumping trout called "Jumping Trout".

If you'll notice, I've moved into different hues...... red and blue for this one.

The Miracle of Technology

Just looking at Katies side of the family and my side, it's tough to say who's more follicly challenged. All I know is that the kid, if it's a boy, that there is a distinct possibility that he will be bald someday. Probably around a 98% chance. In fact there is a chance that he may be the first Kindergartener in history to sport a combover.

Using digitally enhanced technology (Microsoft Paint) and a picture of my first day of Kindergarten I've come up with a composite of what his first day might look like. Hopefully he can score the sweet plaid red schoolbag as well.